While we might think that relationship violence is something that can never affect our children, the truth is that nearly a third of girls surveyed by “The Empower Program”, sponsored by Liz Claiborne Inc. and conducted by Knowledge Networks, said they know at least one student at school who has been physically abused by a person they were dating. They good news is that there is a lot parents can do to step in and help. All it takes is a little time, focus and commitment to reach out, listen and talk to our teens.
No one is better positioned to make a difference in the lives of young people than parents. Your concerns about your child staying clear of abuse, being respectful of others and finding healthy relationships need to be discussed. Your values are the ones that matter most.
what is relationship abuse?
Dating violence or relationship abuse is a pattern of violent behavior that someone uses against a girlfriend or boyfriend. Abuse can cause injury and even death, but it doesn’t have to be physical. It can take many forms, including threats, emotional abuse, insults, isolation from friends and family, name-calling and controlling what someone wears or with whom they socialize. It can also include sexual abuse. It can happen to anyone, at any age, no matter what their race, religion, sexual orientation, level of education or economic background.
a note to parents with sons
Many parents understand the importance of talking with their daughters about learning how to stay safe. But every violent relationship has a victim and an abuser — and the vast majority of the time the abuser is male. According to Jackson Katz, founder of Mentors in Violence Prevention (MVP) and an expert in relationship abuse prevention, it is critical that we talk with our sons about healthy relationships. “When it comes to abuse in teen relationships, frequently we react after the fact,” says Katz. “But if we’re going to prevent the abuse before it starts, we need to be more honest about who’s doing it. While young women are capable of acting cruelly or even using violence, the vast majority of abuse in teen relationships is perpetrated by young men. It is not anti-male to say this. It is simply acknowledging reality. If parents have any reason to suspect that their son might be mistreating his girlfriend or other young women, they have a special responsibility to address this with him immediately so that he gets help to deal with his problems.”
why do you think one person would abuse the other when dating?
Society repeatedly tells boys that in order to be a man, they must be powerful, strong and in control. In relationships, this control can occur as psychological or emotional abuse, threats, possessiveness and jealousy, intimidation and isolation, and actual violence. All too often, this behavior is excused. This discussion may bring up some uncomfortable disagreements or questions about what you as a parent really believe. What examples is your teen learning in your house and in your interactions? Be honest and open about your thoughts, questions and answers.
how can i tell if my teen might want to talk to me?
Anytime your teenager wants to talk to you, drop everything and pay attention. Watch for signs of your teen wanting to talk, such as if your teen hangs around where you are but doesn’t necessarily say anything, or if your teen says he or she doesn’t feel well but there doesn’t seem to be anything physically wrong. Notice if your teen tries to get you alone, away from others — for example, if he or she volunteers to drive somewhere with you in the car. If your teen wants to talk to you but also couches it as “no big deal,” don’t believe it. Just by bringing it up, he or she is already telling you that it is a big deal.
why might a person stay in an abusive relationship?
There are many reasons why teens might stay in abusive relationships:
- In high school, status and self-esteem are often intricately linked to a teen’s relationship.
- She may be in love and want the violence to end, but not the relationship.
- In an abusive relationship, a teen can feel like no one understands the abuser but her.
- She might fear that if you find out, you won’t let the couple date any longer.
- She may not have healthy relationships to compare this to, and she may see abusive behavior modeled at home.
- She might think this is just what “being in love” is like.
- She might fear bringing shame to the family.
- She may worry that you will be disappointed in her.
warning signs
Here are some signs to look for:
- She apologizes for his behavior and makes excuses for him.
- She loses interest in activities that she used to enjoy.
- She stops seeing friends and family members and becomes more and more isolated.
- When your daughter and her boyfriend are together, he calls her names and puts her down in front of other people.
- He acts extremely jealous of others who pay attention to her, especially other guys.
- He thinks or tells your daughter that you (her parents) don’t like him.
- He controls her behavior, checking up on her constantly, calling and texting her, demanding to know who she has been with.
- She casually mentions his violent behavior, but laughs it off as a joke.
- You see him violently lose his temper, striking or breaking objects.
- She often has unexplained injuries, or the explanations she offers don’t make sense.